Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
