so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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