I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
