I'm gonna have a badass scar
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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