I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
