I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's always time for handjobs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
