Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
