i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
