Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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