I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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