What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
