I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
