my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
