I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
