im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
