there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
