Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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