Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
