So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
