Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
