chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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