I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
