I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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