She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
