my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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