I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
