just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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