hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
its not stalking. its research.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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