just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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