If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
