chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
