Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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