Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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