so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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