So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
