Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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