You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
