I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
