Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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