Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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