If i come over, it means nothing
Yo dont text me then not text me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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