This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
