I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't put those talents on a resume
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
