1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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