The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
