Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
