I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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