i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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