when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
