Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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