I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
