This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
