Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
