there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
